


Knowing Him

by whochanwoo



Category: EXO
Genre: Angst, Best friend Baekhyun, Character Death, Drama, Funerals, Lots of Crying, M/M, Only some, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, but it's a good story i swear, guess who died!!, it's actually not character death but character already dead, like a lot, major angst, police officer jongdae if you're into that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 17:09:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19277725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whochanwoo/pseuds/whochanwoo
Summary: One of the main keys to a relationship is knowing the other person. Inside and out. People constantly change so there's always something new or old to know about each other. Sehun knows Jongin, inside and out, and he'll take that information to his grave. Jongin knew Sehun. Keyword: knew. All of what he already knew is what he'll be taking to his grave. One thing he does know for sure is that he'll be six feet under way later than Sehun.





	Knowing Him

_“I really lov—” Sehun frowns. “I feel less lonely when you’re around.”_

 

_Sehun sighs through his chapped lips, his breath coming out as a long puff of fog. It was too cold for him. He just wanted to get a nice night out but all he’s feeling now is the icy, prickly sense probing against his skin. But no matter how much the weather’s frowned upon, he couldn’t complain about it. It was nice. No matter how cold it was, it was still nice. Sehun licks his lips once and decided that it wasn’t smart to do that. Once the saliva dries, it freezes on his lips. Sehun sighs once more just to get it out. His whole body starts to react irritably to his endless sighs._

 

_“I love you, too.”_

 

 

○○○

 

 

“We have all gathered here today to collectively send our blessings to the late Oh Sehun.”

 

There was silence and then there was a sob. Jongin closes his eyes shut to prevent his tears from falling again. He looks around the room from where he stands, the position giving him a clear sight of everything and everyone in the room. The inked sheet of paper he placed right in front of him did no justice to the words he wants to truly convey. So he rips it up and shoves it into his blazer’s pocket. Sehun said to have secrets but what does he know? He’s dead. The man can’t tell Jongin what to do. They say going against the dead’s words can bring you bad luck but Jongin honestly doesn’t care about that. He’s already had the worst luck ever. Jongin sighs, just like how Sehun always does and catches himself before he trails off into his train of thoughts.

 

“As his best friend and his…”

 

Jongin bites on his tongue. **May God bless Sehun. And may God bless me.**

 

“As his best friend and his… lover…”

 

There were collective gasps echoing around the room. His friends were eyeing him with bright warning signs flashing in their orbs. They’re telling him it isn’t a great idea. They’re telling him it isn’t in his place to say anything. What do they know? They weren’t there when Sehun begged for help. They weren’t there to see the aftermath of stress and pressure building up on the exact man who is now lying in a God damned coffin. Jongin turns his head to look over the crowd, breathing in once to continue his speech.

 

“I could see that he was not doing fine.”

 

**May God bless me.**

 

 

●●●

 

 

_“Sehun, you need to get a hold of yourself! You can’t keep slacking like this! If this is what you call successful then we really need to have a talk.”_

 

_The machine beeped. Another message passed along. Jongin stares at the small device placed atop Sehun’s work desk. He stands before walking over to said desk, reaching over to pick the telephone up before throwing it across the room. Sehun stares almost too incredulously. Jongin laughs._

 

_“We’ll get you another one.”_

 

_“Just like that? Man, you’re sucking the money out of me.”_

 

_Sehun laughs, ruffling Jongin’s hair adoringly. In all honesty, Sehun didn’t just want the moment to remain exactly like so for a long time but he also wants to be able to visit all the other times he’s felt happy. Like now. Like here with Jongin._

 

_“Better money than sanity. If that thing beeps again with another message I’m sure you’d lose your mind.”_

 

_Sehun goes awfully quiet at that response so Jongin frowns down at him._

 

_“What’s on your mind?”_

 

_“No, it’s just… that’s not the only thing making me lose my mind.”_

 

_Jongin’s speechless. He doesn’t know what to say. He’s never the one people come to for them to talk with, he’s always been the one to just be there for them but never here with them. People never really saw him as the type to care anyway, so it really isn’t his fault in any way. But now he really does want to say something -- anything -- to ease Sehun’s mind, and when he parts his lips to say something, nothing. Not even a stutter of words. Nothing was said. So they stand there, together, in silence. In a silence where Sehun ventures the different thoughts of his problems, of his stress, of getting away from them. In a silence where Jongin selfishly assumes Sehun would understand his lack of words. In a silence, a period of time, where they would drift apart just the slightest._

 

_Jongin looks at Sehun, suddenly missing that happy smile of his. In hopes of pulling one out from Sehun, Jongin leans in to give a nice, big hug._

 

_Sehun doesn’t respond._

 

 

○○○

 

 

 **No, don’t say anything! Sehun trusted us! He trusted us!** His friends looked at him as if those words were said, as if they were really screaming at his face. But they weren’t. So he just has to continue speaking.

 

“Out of everyone in this room, I’m pretty sure I knew Sehun the best. I lived with him, I worked with him.” Jongin takes a deep shaky breath. “Sehun would always say that he… was losing his mind. He said it a lot of times and I didn’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t know how to comfort him but when it comes to me, he knew what to say or what to do to make me stop crying. You see, he seemed like he knew what to do so I assumed that if I was there to hug him when he’s feeling down then he’d find himself a way to get better. Obviously, I was awfully wrong.”

 

Jongin fidgets around to lean on his left leg instead of his right. He was getting nervous. **Why did I think this was a good idea? Am I doing this out of spite?** Jongin huffs. No. Sehun told all of them to not reveal the fact that he was homosexual but he also did get on his knees in front of Jongin, claiming that he wanted the world to know how he really felt about everything. Killing himself pretty much explains about two-thirds of what he bottled in himself. The remaining one-third? Jongin takes the tears and the begging and the vulnerability he saw just a few days before Sehun decides to leave as a question, a favour.

 

“So I tried to talk a little bit more with him. To get his feelings out. I learnt that if there’s one way to help people sort their feelings out, it was communication. And it didn’t need to be a deep, meaningful conversation about the complexities of life. It could be anything. Just anything.”

 

 

●●●

 

 

_Jongin lays on the bed in silence, just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. He shoots up when he hears the door opening with a snick. Sehun enters with a grim look etched onto his face, his mood down and his expression down. He smiles when he sees Jongin staring at him adorably with owlish eyes. Sehun feels safe._

 

_“Where have you been?”_

 

_“I was at some party with some colleagues. They’re all drunk but I couldn’t get drunk somehow. What were you up to?” Sehun sits next to Jongin on the bed, his hands brought up to caress Jongin’s hair._

 

_“I was just… you know… waiting,” Jongin mumbles. “I wanted to talk to you.”_

 

_“About?” Sehun frowns._

 

_“Nothing!” Jongin says in a loud, squeaky voice, feeling scared that Sehun would get so stressed over nothing. He says it again but softer this time, to reassure the other one that it wasn’t anything serious. “Nothing. Nothing really. I just wanted to freely talk about whatever—no particular topic needed, you know? Just a fun and very long conversation.”_

 

_And just like that, Sehun was beaming with happiness. His body language, his words, his mood—everything about him suddenly changed and he was finally back to being the 24-year-old man with a kid in his heart instead of cold ice. Jongin will not forget the look on his face. That look. That expression. Jongin will always love it. Sehun was happy. Because of that, Jongin feels happy too._

 

_He realises something. That he didn’t need to be someone who knew how to get so deep. Sehun was a very simple man. He just wanted a simple and happy life. That was Sehun. With a high position in work, a luxurious car, a luxurious house, a demanding family, everyone else holding him up on a pedestal with high expectations; simple was not easily obtained. At the end of the night, Sehun and Jongin cuddles. When Sehun thinks Jongin’s in deep slumber, he buries his face in the crook of Jongin’s neck, and sobs miserably. He sobs like his life depends on it._

 

_He sobs because he knows he’ll miss it. He’ll miss another memory._

 

 

○○○

 

 

Jongin’s tearing up quite bad. The memories comes a lot faster than the words he’s thinking of saying. He can’t help sobbing almost as miserably as Sehun did. Jongin hitches on a breath as he tries steadying himself. The room was silent. It was almost as if everyone kind of forgot the fact that Sehun was actually homosexual. Everyone watches him wipe his tears away weakly. The obvious difference between the meaning behind Jongin’s teardrops and theirs remains as the main reason why people paid attention to him. Unlike them, it was obvious that Jongin was crying because he’s hurting, he’s crying because the reason why he’s delivering such a speech finally hits him right in the heart. They were crying because they felt sad, because Sehun was a great man, because Sehun had everything everyone wanted but still left anyway. Jongin’s crying simply because Sehun left.

 

It was apparent in the way he wipes his tears, or the way he tries to speak with a mouthful of sobs, that Jongin’s crying because he’s losing hope -- because Jongin’s hope killed himself. His friends stares at him with sympathy gleaming in their eyes. No more warnings and no more anger, just sympathy. Jongin’s lips tremble. He’s trying his best. Once his throat isn’t closing in and his speech isn’t impaired, Jongin prepares for another sentence and more.

 

“He…” Jongin sighs, taking another minute or so. “Sehun was miserable. He started to like very little things and even then, it doesn’t grow. It just gets lesser and lesser. I didn’t know what to do or what to say to him. He seemed so uncaring about a lot of things and all he wanted to do all day was sit, or sleep, or talk. We talked a lot but I still had a lot of stuff to do for work and for my life. Sehun understood that but he was too understanding. Maybe if he asked me to stay with him, maybe this wouldn’t happen. But he was just so selfless. He didn’t even say anything to me when he wanted me to stay at home with him. Maybe if I noticed something was wrong and stayed with him then maybe, just maybe, he would still be alive right now and none of us would be crying. Maybe if I wasn’t so deh-dense and stuh-stupid.”

 

 

●●●

 

 

_“The beach? It’s very crowded there.”_

 

_“Yeah, I know, but it’ll be fun! It’s the beach season, we should be out there swimming or something. Plus, you like swimming!”_

 

_Jongin’s excited. Sehun isn’t._

 

_“I don’t know… I’m not very fond of going to the beach or places with big crowds.” Jongin doesn’t want to react so strongly to Sehun because it always happens but that day was different. He clicks his tongue and walks out of the room with a big frown. On the way out, he mumbles quite begrudgingly the words Sehun feared the most._

 

_“You’re not fond of anything.”_

 

_Sehun’s felt hurt before but he feels it pretty strongly coming from Jongin. He stares at the door, the same door Jongin slammed on the way out, and frowns to himself. He doesn’t understand himself. He wants to but he can’t. He’s always liked the beach and the warmth, the sand and the waters, the crowd and the laughter. He feels ashamed of himself but he can’t do anything about it. He doesn’t feel like going. He wants to stay at home and rest._

 

_When he approaches Jongin to apologise, Jongin frowns down at him but forgives him anyway. They sit and talk, and Sehun laughs a lot. He’s happy. Like this, with Jongin. They joke around, Jongin pretending to leave when Sehun cracks a lame joke._

 

_“Hey, what if I leave?” Sehun asks._

 

_“What do you mean?”_

 

_“Just in general, what if I leave?”_

 

_“Then I’ll kill you!” Jongin exclaims childishly._

 

_Jongin scrunches his face up, grabbing a fistful of Sehun’s hair before tugging on it. Sehun lets out a loud yelp, his cries of pain turning into laughter the more Jongin laughs like a hyena; high pitched and loud. When Jongin settles down, Sehun decides to answer him._

 

_“Then I’ll make sure you can’t kill me.”_

 

_“There’s no way that can happen. No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I can always hire someone to kill you,” Jongin folds his arms, responding petulantly as if he was stating a true fact._

 

_“You can’t kill a man who’s already dead,” Sehun mumbles._

 

_Sehun thinks Jongin doesn’t hear him but the latter did. It seems so loud and clear in his head as it repeats, in contrast to the tone Sehun spoke in. Because of that one sentence, Sehun has Jongin thinking for days, weeks, always. He’s never really taken it seriously but Jongin shrugged it off in the end. He thinks it was a joke, like how everyone jokes about killing themselves whenever they’re facing a difficult task. He didn’t know how to ask Sehun what he meant anyway so there wasn’t really anything Jongin could do. Or so he thinks._

 

 

○○○

 

 

“That was a sign. He hinted on it. He was asking for help.” Jongin sobs again. “He was scared for his life. He didn’t know what was going on with himself. He didn’t understand anything about himself and all he wanted was something understandable, something simple. And he’s thinking about all these things like dying and he just wanted someone to be there for him, someone to understand him when he couldn’t bring himself to. He didn’t want to do it. He wasn’t planning on doing it but I knew he was thinking of it day and night, over and over again. Because that was the only question he felt like he could answer without any trouble. What happens if I die?”

 

Everyone catches on. As soon as they hear Jongin’s words about how Sehun had constantly hinted on how he felt on the inside, they understood that Jongin was blaming himself. Jongin isn’t just crying because of Sehun, he’s crying because he regrets his decision of brushing everything off like it didn’t concern him one bit. In truth, it did. Sehun meant the world to him but how did things get this bad?

 

 **It’s not that Sehun hadn’t tried reaching out, I just didn’t grab on. It’s all because of me.** Jongin looks up at the crowd with newfound determination flashing in his dark brown orbs. He blames himself for everything that Sehun’s done to his own self. Crying about it only makes him feel more selfish. He should at least act tough… right? For Sehun, he should at least stay strong. One of them has to stay strong… right? **I’m so selfish. I’m so careless.**

 

Jongin honestly thinks he deserves the worst for being so selfish. He wants the ground to swallow him up and pull him into the depths of hell where he belongs. He wants the time to turn, back to when Sehun’s still smiling bright because of him. Not a smile of sadness. Not a smile that Jongin knows now seemed a little off because Sehun’s already decided on his future. A smile of happiness. A smile that only comes when they’re left alone together. But this is the worst, right? He can’t think of anything else that’s shittier than this, shittier than your beloved one passing away ultimately because of you. This is the worst form of punishment God could serve to him on a platter made of scrap metal for being so self-absorbed.

 

Jongin meets eyes with Baekhyun, his closest friend, and all the feelings come rushing to him at once. Would Baekhyun leave him too? Would his family leave him too? **Will everyone leave me? Like what Sehun did?** Suddenly, it isn’t just about Sehun leaving him, it became him against his own line of fate.

 

Jongin’s hitching on his breath again, his eyes rolling to the back of his eye sockets as his mouth hangs open, desperately gasping for air. He drops to his knees on the ground, then he was on all his fours. He blinks away the tears that drips onto the ground dully. Everyone’s rushing to his aid, trying to hold him up so he could breathe a little better. Someone’s stroking his arm soothingly, reminding him that he wasn’t alone. When he looks up to see who it was who dared to touch him, he thinks he sees Sehun standing amongst the people around him frantically calling for the paramedics provided in memorials. But when he blinks, he only sees Chanyeol, standing tall like how Sehun did, with his hair styled back formally like how Sehun’s would look like.

 

Jongin scrunches his eyes close, choking on a sob he so desperately wants out of his system. He wishes Sehun’s here to pat him on the head or his shoulders and tell him everything’s fine. He wishes Sehun’s here to smile comfortingly at him. Jongin sobs; the saddest sob anyone’s ever heard that evening.

 

**God kill me now if this isn’t the worst that is to come.**

 

 

●●●

 

 

_“I told you to take care of yourself.”_

 

_Sehun sits up in his chair, his left leg crossed over his right leg. Jongin sits up in the hospital bed, grunting when he feels a sharp pain throbbing in his muscles. He leans back on the bed and pouts when he sees Sehun ignoring him. He knows because Sehun isn’t looking at him. Jongin chuckles, shifting on the bed so he could scoot towards Sehun. The bed was small and he didn’t need to move so much to be able to sit right in front of where Sehun sat. Jongin reaches his hands out to cup Sehun’s face, forcing the latter to turn his gaze to him. Jongin stares, Sehun stares back, and Jongin smiles, so Sehun smiles back. Just like that, Jongin’s forgiven._

 

_“I had too much work,” Jongin tries to explain._

 

_“Yes, I’m aware of that, but you have to learn how to stop when you need to. It’s not like you’re obsessed with work or anything. You don’t have to do your very best every single time. Just do enough.”_

 

_Sehun frowns down at Jongin. One of his hand wedges through Jongin’s mess of a hair to try to smoothen the tangles out and the other fiddles with one of Jongin’s slightly callous and large hands. Jongin stays silent with a small pout jutting out, making him look less like an adult and more of like a young teenager who’s sulking when he hears that he can’t come to some party on the weekends._

 

_Sehun likes to think he’s the adult in the relationship but frankly speaking, Jongin has a way more mature mindset than his. He doesn’t show it quite often but Sehun knows the way Jongin really thinks. But the weird thing about Jongin is that he needs constant reassurance and security. That. Sehun doesn’t think that’s mature._

 

_“You…” Jongin starts. Sehun looks directly into his eyes. “You were always away at work so I figured it wouldn’t matter if I worked too. I was alone too. And I was bored.”_

 

_Silence hangs around them like a billow of smoke. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to keep a clear head. And he may just cry at the tension it brings._

 

_“Oh, Jongin, I’m sorry.” Sehun pulls Jongin into a hug, burying his face in the side of Jongin’s neck. Mumbling, he says, “I’m sorry. I really am.”_

 

_“It’s okay. I know how much they expect from you, I know how hard it is for you.”_

 

_There right there was the reason why Sehun thinks Jongin has a mature mindset. Jongin could put himself in the perspective of others so easily and see a lot of what others might think. Sehun kisses Jongin fully on the lips. The moment was sweet and it was a little overdue but Jongin appreciates it anyway. He has and will continue to appreciate the things Sehun does for him._

 

_They were interrupted by the doctor entering without knocking beforehand. Said doctor stood rooted in the doorway, wishing that he didn’t just witness such an ostentatious scene. The doctor breathes out disconcertingly before asking Jongin a few questions regarding his physical and mental wellbeing. And then the not-so-subtle questions about their homosexual relationship comes next. The doctor tries to play it in a light, joking manner but Sehun and Jongin could see the judgemental look in his eyes._

 

_“So who’s the man in the relationship?”_

 

_“If one of us isn’t a man then it wouldn’t be a gay relationship,” Jongin replies snappishly._

 

_“Alright, then, you two certainly don’t look girlish enough to be gay.” The doctor chuckles, meaning it as a joke but it obviously offended the both of them._

 

_Sehun grabs his wallet on the nightstand and pulls out his business card. He stands and slides it into the doctor’s pocket. His eyes, they say, “shut the fuck up," but what he actually says is different._

 

_"If you have anymore remarks about my boyfriend and me, call my office and they'll take notes."_

 

_In all honesty, the doctor meant the last remark. He just couldn’t see the both of them swinging the other way. Jongin glances at Sehun but in that short glance he saw a fearsome look. Sehun hates getting his sexuality discovered and he fears it so much. The judicious look people would always give him, the stupid and pressuring questions thrown his way. Everything about it. Jongin knows it makes Sehun feel like shit._

 

 

○○○

 

 

Jongin’s all curled up in the hospital bed. This time, there was no one to tell him what he’s done wrong that could have jeopardised his health. Sehun’s no longer there to stare at him adoringly. Jongin feels a pool of tears welling up under his eye sockets, his lips starting to tremble again. He hugs his legs closer towards him and whimpers.

 

He must have passed out in the funeral because he doesn’t remember anything at all save for Baekhyun’s voice shouting his name. Jongin’s ears perks up. He turns to the nightstand and snatches his phone laying atop of it. He uses the speed dial, mistakenly pressing 1 for Sehun’s number. He momentarily freezes when he hears the voicemail.

 

“This is Oh Sehun speaking. If you’re Jongin then call the other number if it’s urgent. If not then please leave a message—”

 

Snapping out of it, Jongin takes a deep and shaky breath before putting a stop to the call. He presses 2 this time for Baekhyun. The ring goes on for quite a while but eventually, there was silence. Jongin tentatively calls out to Baekhyun.

 

“Baekhyun, are you okay?” Jongin shuts his eyes close. “Baekhyun, please tell me you’re okay.”

 

“Jongin… I’m fine, I’m doing okay right now. Is there anything wrong?”

 

Jongin sighs once he hears Baekhyun’s voice, remembering how much it used to calm him down so well from his anxiety attacks in the past. Jongin clutches his phone even tighter in his hand and smiles wide.

 

“There’s nothing wrong. I just… I just wanted someone to talk to.”

 

“Ah, of course. Hey, I’m actually on my way to you right now so if you could just hold on for a second longer…?” Baekhyun wanted to say it like a statement but instead, he says it like a question being asked curiously.

 

“Yeah, of course. See you later.”

 

The call ends just like that. Jongin goes back to hugging his legs as if his life depended on it. He lightly tosses his phone to the side. He doesn’t need to use it now nor does he feel the need to use it for the next few hours.

 

Jongin’s eyes dart up to the door as he sees it creaking open. It couldn’t be Baekhyun. Baekhyun couldn’t be that close. Jongin’s right and he knows he is when he sees a policeman entering the room. Jongin heaves a deep sigh, looking away because he doesn’t want to be reminded of everything bad in his life.

 

“Um, I’ve been sent here to question you.” The officer clears his throat awkwardly. “About Mr. Oh’s death.”

 

“Is it a must?” Jongin scratches his tongue against his teeth, then grits his teeth behind hollowed cheeks.

 

“It’s basic protocol.” The officer seats himself next to the bed. “Or I can come back later if you want?”

 

“No,” Jongin was quick to answer. “You’re going to come back sooner or later anyways. Let’s just get this done and over with.”

 

“Oh… okay.” The officer skims through the paper on his clipboard and looks up to meet Jongin’s eyes. Jongin figures it’s a way to tell if someone’s lying or not.

 

It’s interesting how the policeman seemed so shy and sheepish just seconds ago but when it comes to doing the actual job he was given, he becomes so firm and unwavering. Jongin waits for a question, searching through the lists of question he has for the officer and for himself. Jongin looks at his fingers, watches it wrap around his ankle. He snaps away from a trance when the officer finally asks him a question. Or maybe not a question. He says something.

 

“All these questions seem so insensitive and slightly homophobic. I’m not even sure if I should ask you any of these.” The officer scoffs.

 

“It’s okay. I’ve handled a lot of insensitive.”

 

“What about Mr. Oh?”

 

“Mr. Oh,” Jongin repeats in a mocking tone. “Mr. Oh was scared of people judging him. It drives him close to madness every single time someone looks at us disapprovingly.”

 

“And how did you react to that?” The officer decides that asking his own questions would get much more answers.

 

“I didn’t.” Jongin purses his lips into a grim line.

 

Seeing that Jongin isn’t going to answer quite directly, the uniformed man asks another question, “Mr. Oh… how was he like?”

 

“This questioning is all to determine if Sehun’s actually suicidal, right? You want to know if it could possibly be a murder case. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s suicide, alright? He said it to my face, that he was going crazy. It’s not murder. Not with Sehun. He’s too respected, too likeable, too good. Everyone expected something out of him, everyone put him on a pedestal. High up there. Sometimes I hear him cry in his workroom, all alone. Sometimes I see him pacing back and forth, anxiety making him sob. Sometimes I hug him tight when he can’t breathe properly. Sometimes it seems like he’s sleeping but he’s actually picturing bad stuff in his head. And I know because he tells me while he cries, with him choking on his own words.”

 

Jongin has the side of his cheeks pressed up against his forearm. His voice is calm and collected but both him and the officer knows how much negative energy is laced with the words he speaks. His frown is there, it’s getting permanent the longer it’s there. He can’t cry anymore. It’s making him feel tired. So, instead of crying, Jongin resorts to staring into the distance.

 

He notices the officer standing up, probably getting ready to leave. Jongin waits for the door to open and close, waits for the officer to leave but he hears the rustling of paper instead. Jongin looks up, sees a piece of paper held out to him and frowns in confusion.

 

“Sehun swallowed this. Covered it in wax to, um, waterproof the paper or something. It didn’t go far down his oesophagus so the police were able to pull this out. He left it for you.” Jongin was about to snatch the paper out of the officer’s hand but the latter retracts his hand for a few seconds to say, “the police read it first. Because they have to. For evidence. Just thought you should know that.”

 

Jongin takes the paper from the officer and gently holds it to himself, almost like he’s treasuring the slip of paper like it meant everything to him. His throat closes up and his eyes water automatically.

 

“I, uh, um… thank you…” Jongin wants to say a lot more, he’s thinking of saying a lot more than just a thank you but it’s like his mind couldn’t settle on anything else to say. “Thank you, officer.”

 

“It’s Jongdae,” the officer, Jongdae, says, “you’re welcome.”

 

Jongdae gets up and goes out the door, bumping into Baekhyun on his way out. Jongin smiles a little when he sees his friend. Baekhyun smiles back a wide and comforting grin, knowing just how his positivity could help Jongin’s mood even just the slightest.

 

“Why was he here?” Baekhyun asks.

 

“To make sure it’s suicide. Not murder or anything.” Jongin sighs.

 

Baekhyun raises a brow. “So, like an interrogation?”

 

Jongin hums. “Like an interrogation.”

 

“What did he ask you?”

 

“Not much. He skipped every question he thinks was insensitive.” Jongin frowns. “And, uh, Sehun left me a note.”

 

Baekhyun wistfully smiles, watching Jongin stare into space. He leans his body closer to Jongin and whispers, “What are you going to do now?”

 

Staring back at Baekhyun, Jongin could only shake his head as an answer; the action translating into, “I don’t know.” Jongin guesses that he’ll just have to accept it. The letter provides a closure, doesn’t it? It has to. It does. And Jongin accepts it. He accepts it like it’s the last paragraph in the last page of a book. The final line that makes the end. Sehun has always told him to take a step back, mentally, and look at the bigger picture. Run the details first and then look at it from afar. So Jongin does that. And what he sees is the end.

 

This chapter in his life, the last page of it has been written. This whole chapter has only been about him and Sehun. Jongin and Sehun, Sehun and Jongin. Now that Sehun’s no longer here, the chapter has to end.

 

It’s hard to say another Sehun would come along soon, or ever, but Jongin accepts it. He accepts it. Maybe he’s just lying to himself. He knows he’ll never forget it and he’ll never get used to or over it. But he’ll try. Because he knows Sehun would want him to take care of himself. Healthily. Like talking it out with a friend or writing about it in a journal. Anything that’s healthy for his mind. Jongin knows Sehun trusts him to do the right thing, to not become what Sehun was; a total wreck.

 

Jongin accepts it.

 

He accepts the fact that nothing’s getting back to the way it was before ever again with a big gulp, like it’s a lump in his throat forcefully swallowed down into his system. Jongin thinks it’s the better thing to do. Better now than later when the sadness fades away and the anger surfaces. And just like that, Jongin knows it’s the end.

 

Relationships are all about knowing someone. People constantly change so everyone’s constantly getting to know one thing new or old about each other. Jongin realises now that this really is the end for both him and Sehun. There’s nothing left to know about Sehun. No more. So this is better, to have it end like this.

 

With the letter in one hand, and the other in Baekhyun’s, Jongin lets go of him with no anger, no denial, nothing that could make him go in distress, and wishes him peace instead. Because that’s ultimately why he left, to get out of the hellhole he’s been living in to find some sort of peace somewhere else. So Jongin wishes him peace.

 

**Rest in peace, Sehun.**

 

●●●

 

_To: Kim Jongin_

 

_Hey, Jongin, it’s me Sehun. You would know that, I guess. I mean this was found in my throat, possibly my stomach. Anyway, I left this letter for you to apologise to you. Only you. Not my family, no one else. Just you. Because I love you. You’ve always been my light in this world, you’ve always comforted me with your hugs and your sweet words. Just your mere presence makes me feel happy. You probably have a lot of questions right now. You’re probably angry or sad. And I don’t blame you if you are. But I do ask you for one favour. Please let go of me peacefully. I don’t ask you for much but please tell me I’m not wrong for having done this._

 

_I just want all of it to stop. It’s all getting into my head and I feel like I can’t do anything anymore for being who I am now. I’m scared. I’m scared to do what I’m about to be doing. I’m terrified. But I’m also scared of living. It’s getting too much already. So Jongin, please, please don’t wish me bad upon my death. And please don’t blame yourself for anything. Knowing you, you’d blame yourself for something if not for everything. Please don’t do that. You probably think you didn’t do enough or that you haven’t said enough to make me stay. You’ve done a lot more than just enough for me. I am the one who doesn’t want to stay._

 

_Whenever you look at me with concerned eyes, I feel bad for planning this for so long. Whenever you hug me, it’s like someone’s punching the hell out of my heart. Because I know I won’t be the one to suffer the most after I’m gone. I know you will more than others. And whenever I think about how you would uncontrollably cry in front of dozens of people because I’m not there, I just feel so crushed. But yet I’m going to do it. And I’m not doing it because I want to hurt you, I’m doing this because I don't want to hurt any longer. For this once, forgive me for being selfish._

 

_Knowing you, you would possibly reveal our little secret to everyone. Just to show them even further how much I found it pressurising. So they would understand why I, such a young and promising man like myself, would leave. Our friends would say no and you might feel bad but it’s okay. It’s okay, Jongin. It’s okay. And in the future, it’s also okay if you find somebody else. Even in marriages, death does the couples apart. That’s good because when people ask you how we were separated, you can tell them we lasted until the very end, until the only possible way to separate us was death. And that means you can find others to be with. Others for you to love the same way you love me._

 

_I won’t find it unfair. And if anyone else does, you shove this letter in their faces. You prove to them that if I approve of it, they should too. And Jongin, whoever you’ll find in the future, I hope you live a happy life, as content as you can be. Even happier than when I was with you. I wish you happiness. Also, I know you know better than to coop up in some room and sulk. Or react in any other unhealthy way, really. I trust that you’d take care of yourself. I trust that Baekhyun would take good care of you. I trust that you’ll get rid of all negative emotions in you in a positive way. I trust that you won’t become like me. So don’t. Please. I hope you’ll read this letter over and over again and accept it. I hope you’ll take this letter and be reminded of me even if it hurts. Because for the last time, forgive me again for this, let me be selfish._

 

_I love you, Jongin. I really love you. Goodbye._

 

_From: Oh Sehun_

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> if you reached all the way here then you're the best. i really truly loved writing this piece of work because it's something that i didn't have to put a lot of thought in but yet it had to be very meaningful. this wasn't just self-indulgent. when i started writing this, i was thinking of how i'd love to write a fic showing just how much someone could love you, and what they would be willing to do for you but then when there was too much unrealistic selflessness going on, i thought, "hey, what are the lengths someone would go to for themselves even when they love others so dearly they'd clearly live and die for them?" then i started writing and this was my product. 
> 
> and then i wrote while thinking about this one short movie (its more of like a short student film) i watched about depression and how the people around her never realised she was gg thru smth bcos she didnt come from a bad family background, she didnt have any major "issues" in her life but she wasnt feeling like herself and slowly she felt so lost. 
> 
> anyway, hope you could leave comments and tell me what you think, i'd appreciate that!


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